Mumbai Indians:
Named with the intent of gathering support from across the country, the Mumbai Indians soon suffered from an early identity crisis. Within the first few days itself, star players such as Sanath Jayasuriya were often found roaming the streets of Mumbai confusing Breech Candy with the Sri Lankan city of Kandy. The supporters of the Mumbai Indians were equally confused showing up for matches in the hope of a raunchy exhibition and were treated to the batting of Luke Ronchi instead. Missing their inspirational captain for most of the season, the team relied heavily on the Innocent Sledging school of thought which was vociferously championed by the stand-in skipper, Harbhajan Singh. Being versatile in Hindi, English, Punjabi and possibly Greek he later added Marathi to his repertoire of languages which enabled him to proclaim his innocence by saying "F%$@ the bowlers" and then claiming it was Marathi for "only bowlers" (Phakt: Marathi for 'only'). Unfortunately, given the ICC's strict stance against sledging, this tactic soon fizzled out and the players left for more lucrative contracts in the Zimbabwe league leaving cricket star of yesteryear, Vinod Kambli to shoulder the captaincy. As of now, he is planning to revive attendance levels for the IPL matches by displaying his different hair colors.
Kolkata Knight Riders:
Armed with jazzy uniforms and jazzier cheerleaders instead of a sword and lance (not to be confused with Lance Klusener) the Kolkata based team soon made a favorable impression on the IPL scene. However, there was soon a rift in the lute as the team management decided to rope in David Hasselhoff as brand ambassador since their market surveys showed a favorable recall of Hasselhoff in the TV series Knight Rider apart from his stellar role in Baywatch. Kolkata captain, Sourav Ganguly however took exception to this move considering Hasselhoff a threat to the bare chested antics he was planning to unleash on the unsuspecting crowd. Unable to handle two bare chested men at the same time, the team desperately looked towards banned Pakistani player Shoaib Akhtar for providing the much needed team spirit and unity. With the aid of a cricket bat, if necessary. This unfortunately did not provide any succor to the team and the team owner, Shah Rukh Khan was forced to employ them as extras in his movie tentatively titled "Kehna Kya Kricket Ka" with Karan Johar as the director (obviously!). Affectionately shortened to 4K, we hope this movie will teach Shah Rukh the 4Ks of movies since he evidently hasn't learned the 4Ps of marketing.
Deccan Chargers:
Birds flock. Cows herd. Bulls charge. But after the initial euphoria, the Deccan Chargers neither charged nor were they heard of. This was primarily attributed to the deficiencies of their main non-iconic player Vangipurappu Venkata Sai Laxman who was an early supporter of nicknames on the back of cricket shirts. Despite not having played 20-20 cricket before and on the fringes of the one day team for India, VVS led the Hyderabad side with great vigor and vim only to be vanquished with vindictiveness by visiting teams. In his autobiography - "East of Eden" (after his inspirational knocks there and 'inspired' by the John Steinbeck novel of the same name), Laxman however attributes the failure of the team to external sources and maintained that "the boys played really well", subconsciously repeating the favorite line of his idol and former India captain, Mohammad Azharuddin. When questioned on the failures of the batting stars such as Andrew Symmonds, Adam Gilchrist and Shahid Afridi, Laxman replied "Taare zameen par" in an enigmatic fashion before disappearing into the boardroom of the Deccan Chronicle (owners of the Deccan Chargers) where he still currently holds the post of independent director for previous loyalty to the company.
Bangalore Royal Challengers:
Given the amount of alcohol sales that went into building the team, it is ironical that Bangalore had the most watered down team for the 20-20 format. Full of veterans of the domestic game such as Sunil Joshi and coached by express pace bowler Venkatesh Prasad the team looked hopelessly out of sorts from the very beginning of the tournament. The notable exceptions were Rahul Dravid (in brilliant form as usual. No sarcasm here) and Jacques Kallis (of "Who the F$#@ is Kallis" fame, see previous post) who soldiered on in a dignified manner for the entire duration of the tourney. Sorely missing strike bowler Anil Kumble to a sore shoulder and Wasim Jaffer who's batting is definitely not a sight for sore eyes, Bangalore could never really muster enough strength to beat legendary tennis player Thomas Muster let alone any of the other IPL teams. The presence of the cheerleaders of the Washington Redskins however, was enough to guarantee 100% attendance for their matches thus proving owner Vijay Mallya's foresight into the actual interest behind the hype of the IPL.
Delhi Daredevils:
One of the rare teams to start with a mistake. The mistake of making Sehwag an icon player instead of choosing "Sehwag ki Maa" as the iconic figure. Despite this flaw, Delhi boasted of an extremely well balanced side consisting of strike batsman Gautam Gambhir and top class bowlers such as Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori. This balance though made it extremely difficult to pin the blame of repeated losses on any single player and post match team meetings soon degenerated into a series of brawls causing Gautam Gambir to lose his customary seriousness. They were also one of the first teams to declare bankruptcy as the team owners, GMR claimed that the fine print was too fine thus successfully obtaining tax breaks for the ridiculous Delhi airport.
Kings XI Punjab:
"One king to rule them all,
One king to market them all,
But the day you have more than one king,
Heralds a disaster with no inkling,
And down will come kings, kingdom and all"
So goes the famous Swa-Hillee limerick (shamelessly flicked from a number of sources). Though the true import is lost in translation. Much like the Pink Floyd song. These words of wisdom were unfortunately given a miss by the Mohali team owners with a deft "Bah!" and dimpled smile (pause to reflect on the Herculean task of saying Bah and smiling at the same time). Mohali, led by their non-playing captain (in a manner of speaking. And in a manner of playing), Yuvraj Singh soon began to dominate the bottom of the league and was soon competing with Mumbai for the bottom rung of the IPL. When questioned about the uninspired performances, Yuvraj replied "We need to pull up our socks", thus once again effortlessly changing the topic from cricket to his sartorial habits. "Practice makes a man perfect", he said. However, no amount of sock pulling could change their fortunes, but Sreesanth did receive an extra sock from fellow Indian team mate Harbhajan Singh for his efforts.
Chennai Super Kings:
There are kings and there are emperors. But Chennai decided to introduce a caveat emperor - the Super Kings. This was probably due to the heavy Chennai slang influence (sooper). Chennai Super Kings lorded over the first few rounds of the IPL routing the Royal Challengers, the Rajasthan Royals and Kings XI Punjab (Note: This is a highly regal statement. Not in stature though). Ably led by stalwarts of the game such as Stephen Fleming who did not play a single match and M S Dhoni who played all matches they soon established themselves at the top of the league. Things began to go horribly wrong after that when star batsman, Matthew Hayden (of the 'obnoxious weed' fame) left the team for greener (weedier?) pastures of the international arena. Dhoni too had his hands full by trying to mediate between Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth with an eye on the future harmony of the national team. His feelings on the matter were beautifully summed up in his classic hit song "Weed didn't start the fire". This diversion of focus due his role as mediator and wannabe rock star soon left the team in the lurch from which they were unable to recover.
Rajasthan Royals:
Yet another alliterative name. Yet another bunch of unfit players. But the levels of fitness (or lack of it thereof) would have put anyone to Shane....err, shame. Owned by the least media savvy owners among the 8 teams (ironically named Emerging Media), the cricket was to do the talking for the team. Bad move. Shane Warne had lesser wickets than press conferences, Graeme Smith scored lesser than he spoke (yes, scored runs!). It did not really augur too well for the team as they constantly moved from nerve wracking close defeats to unmitigated disasters and they perennially failed to emerge from the shadows of the Emerging Media.
